Monday, November 17, 2008


To this I write to those in whom it may concern. To you I write with feelings of love and compassion and with feelings of gratitude.

I want to share with you my love and share it with you endlessly. I want you to understand that I reach out to you with the deepest fiber of my soul to tell you that I love you, and that "To Love is to be Free, To be Free is to Listen, and to Listen is the greatest way to say I love you." -Phelps

When one truly finds themselves they must ask where, how and in which way they did. One must search deep to find out the meaning of these things because this will help one to find out what one truly wants in life. You must ask yourself "what do I want in life?" Do you see the glass half full or do you see the glass half full...

Why would someone ever want to see the glass as half empty. Life is full of so many opportunities and maybe at times it seems like things might not be the best or that things will never go your way, but you must realize that everything happens for a reason... A good friend of mine and I have a saying, "coincidence, I think not." I think life is full of many decisions and it's up to us to choose which path we take. We're here for a reason and although at times it may seem difficult, that's when we need to dig out heels in and hold on.

I have been asking myself a lot lately "what do I want in life?" Over the last six months I've come to know myself again. The person I was four years ago. Somebody that knew what they wanted and had goals to achieve it, but when things didn't quite work out like I thought they should I panicked and ran from what I wanted. I've spent the last three years of my life running from who I wanted to be. I suppose the thought of what I wanted to be and could be was to great for me to handle at that point in my life and instead of embracing it and cultivating it, I did what any insecure person would do and ran from what I truly wanted.

In the words of a good man, no the words of a great man... "Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to your with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My journey was a fearful one; I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the post-coach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of a forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties - Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life" -Beethoven

Yes this is a love letter from a great man to his dearly beloved who he is away from but when I read it I found the meaning and the symbolization of my life within his words. From my journey was fearful, to arriving at 4 o'clock (maybe Beethoven's and My 4 o'clock are different things) I still have arrived at something that I am striving for. I with my carriage have chosen another path through the darkness of night and I can tell you that it is truly a dark path in the woods with no light for direction. As he so elegantly says "The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties." Yes there were pleasures along the road, but as he says "a bottomless mud road" which it truly is.

What I say to you at this time is I am indeed grateful for you. I'm thankful that you read this. If not these words just go unread but if they do go unread it would only be a loss to the reader. I truly gain so much from writing these thoughts down and I hope you receive the same joys and blessings from these words as I do. At this time I leave you with these words "Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be"

Your Faithful


Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Duhhh, When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold!

Well for the last few weeks I've pondered a lot of things. I've pondered things about me, I've pondered things about other people, and I've even pondered things about things that aren't about anything.

So what am I pondering today? I think today I marvel at the simple beauties in life. I do apologize that I have left my blog postless for sometime now. I've actually written several blogs since the last but when I'm done if I didn't fall asleep while writing it I ended up deleting it in the morning because I didn't feel like posting it because the moment had past and my feelings had changed.

Isn't it quite dumbfounding how thoughts change your words, your feelings, your actions, or even others feelings and actions. I have this very dear friend who is my bestest bestest friend in the whole wide world. I could say a million things about her, because simple for a lack of better words "she's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" or one could say docious ali exp listic fragi cali super...

Really this friend means the world to me and if you watched the entire video that the link took you to you would wish you had a friend like this. This is the friend that I wrote about back in October because this friend is quite amazing.

Well moving on to something that's been on my mind a lot is forgiveness. The power of forgiveness is a very strong and soul wrenching feeling. Forgiveness is said to be "the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution." I've been struggling for the last few weeks about forgiving myself really. I've made some stupid decisions in my life and although I never regret a decision or choice I've made because great meaning and enlightenment has come from those decisions whether they were good or bad. I just wish that I could have learned those lessons from making wise decisions. It's said that smart people learn from their mistakes, but a wise man learns from others mistakes."

All decisions have consequences and what we do and learn from those consequences is what defines our character. By forgiving ourselves; although, it may seem hard and unattainable at times it is possible. You have to break yourself from those thoughts of imperfections and the thoughts that there's no chance for you. I've learned not to beat yourself up over things. Yes that is the part of the process of forgiving yourself but after so much you have to put it in the past in move on from it so that burden can be lifted. Tupac said it best himself when he said "You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situations; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the F* on."

So I bid you "la paz a su alma" until the next time we meet; whether it be here or there, in this life or after, if you are reading this I love you. I can say that with true conviction because I'm pretty sure I know who reads these and I express my love and gratitude to you. I thank each of you for the examples that you set whether that example be tangible or intangible. Just know you are an example when you least expect it.